I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
