All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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