I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
