Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
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