Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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