apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
