okay pat passed out under dana's car
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
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I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
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I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
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