I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
