She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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