A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
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Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
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Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
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