I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
