I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
