my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
