we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
