New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
