Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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