The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
