why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Randomize
