Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
