I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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