saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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