They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
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We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
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Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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