She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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