Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
where are my eyebrows?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
