I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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