you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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