He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
and she was petting her beer can
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
