I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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