So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Randomize
