I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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