3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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