the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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