Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together