I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
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Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
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My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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