ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
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