I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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