my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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