Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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