Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
