toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I think I just sharted jello shots
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