Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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