Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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