i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
