you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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