My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Randomize
