still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
How does one acquire holy water?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
