I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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