Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
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