lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
