Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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