I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
