at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Randomize
