I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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