Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
